June 12, 2017

It is finally hot.

I already have sunburn in some places.  I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning.  Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs.  Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.

I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job.  A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past.  I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week.  I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job.  Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting.  This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly.  I also really really really want this job.  It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job.  Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again.  I need to make money.  I need things.  I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.

I want a newer car.  I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe.  I desperately want us to get an apartment.  I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place.  I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings.  I crave the independence and the freedom.  I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.

I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now.  I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed.  I find myself napping to escape the tears.  I miss my mom.  She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation.  I miss that feeling of being home.  If I think about it too much it makes me cry.

I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future.  If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile.  Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back.  I am getting tired.  Tired of feeling invisible and lonely.  Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness.  I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last.  I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby.  She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.

I have Therapy tomorrow.  I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used.  Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…

I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week.  I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel.  From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10.  Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years.  Yes please.

What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there.  It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip.  Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.

I look forward to Friday.  Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want.  I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.

Who knows.  I sure don’t.  I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts.  Breathe.  I will be okay.

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New Holy Grail Face wash + trying to tame my Mane

Taking care of oneself is essential.  Self care is a huge part of taking care of oneself.  Personally, I enjoy bathing and bathing-related products including skin care and hair care.

Having these items and using these items makes me feel good, even if only for a short period of time.  A nice new shampoo and conditioner combo and/or face care products make me happy.  My most recent “self care” purchase was small but mighty.

I purchased OgX’s “Quenching Coconut Curls” shampoo and conditioner as well as Soap & Glory’s Face Soap and Clarity 3-in-1 Daily Detox Vitamin C Facial Wash.  Both were items that so happened to catch my eye the night before on good ole’ Pinterest.  And, in my defence I have been looking for something to tame my waves/curly/frizzy hair as well as a new face wash that would not dry my skin out too much but that also would not make my face feel as though it had not been washed.  All of these products seemed pretty promising and had a lot of great reviews so the next morning I got up and walked to my local Shoppers Drug Mart to find my new inspiration to shower.

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If nothing else, I have found my new favourite holy-grail face wash.  I LOVE this face wash SO MUCH, I am so happy now that I walked around the Cosmetics aisle a good 4x trying to find Soap & Glory.  It retails for about $22.00 CAD which is not bad considering the amount you get.  It is a pretty generous helping of face wash that will last because you only need a pea-sized amount to get a good lather going.  It smells fantastic (to me) and I thoroughly enjoy washing my face every morning and night with this product.

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Good for all skin types and is actually NOT a soap but a complexion-friendly, non drying foaming facial wash.  It smells great and leaves my skin feeling clean and refreshed but not tight, dry, or irritated.  It has caused me zero breakouts (which is something short of a miracle) and actually helped heal some spots that I was battling.   It also has “polishing micro beads” which is a nice little exfoliating bonus.  I give this face wash a solid 5 lipsticks out of 5.

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It is definitely my new favourite and something I will hands down repurchase more than once.

 

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This shampoo and conditioner is lovely but in all honesty did not WOW me like the face wash did.  It smells amazing (if your into coconut) but it did not tame my waves/frizz nearly as much as I had hoped it would.  It is possible that I was just expecting entirely too much out of this product.  I like it but I don’t love it.  I am also not as hip on coconut as I once was which is no fault of the product.  I like it enough to continue using it and I want to try more from this line in the future.  For me the price point was a little high at $12.99 each (and wouldn’t you know a few days after I made this purchase this whole line of products went on sale for @$6.99, just my luck).  All said and done I would give this shampoo and conditioner 3 lipsticks out of 5.

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It’s good but it’s not great and for the price (when it is not on sale), I feel that I can get more bang for my buck at Sally Beauty, namely with the 180 Pro line, if I am being completely honest.

Granted I was a smidge disappointed with the frizz-taming abilities of my new shampoo and conditioner, the face wash alone has me so pleased that it’s kind of okay.  I actually kind of have the urge to go buy like, 5 to put away.

The way he looked at Me

The way he looked at me the other night made my heart sad.

The way he looked at me was not the way he used to look at me.

Once caring, accepting, and loving windows to his soul now seem dulled, annoyed, and fed up.

With me.

I want to ask “do you still love me?” but I am afraid my heart might explode if the answer is no.

I feel like I am losing him.

I don’t know what I did wrong.  Everything seemed so right.

I cry into the night and pray that it will all be alright.

 

Bullet Journaling

A recent Dollar Store trip inspired me to start a Bullet Journal.  See my Dollarma Haul here.

It was light a light bulb went off in my head.  It makes perfect sense.  I love to write things down, make lists, and keep track of, well, just about everything.  Instead of having strictly a “journal” to write summaries of my days and feelings I would rather have one big book of everything.  Also, since I love notebooks and pens it gives me a good use for the ones I have and it inspires me to buy more (lol).

The first day I journaled, I looked up ideas on Pinterest and jotted them down for future reference, along with my own page ideas.  I looked over different designs people have made for their journal elements, became slightly overwhelmed at one point, and decided to just do it my own way.  As it stands now I have full 2 sheet spreads for each day.  I have the date written in full (Wednesday, May 17, 2017), and ultimately each day consists of 3 lists:

  • To-do
  • What I ate Today
  • What I did Today

Under To-do I write down any appointments, chores, or errands that need to be done.  Some I write ahead of time to keep on top of things such as laundry or that therapy appointment I go to twice a month.  Other things just pop up as I go about my day and I write them down.  When something does get done I mark it with a checkmark.  Things that I don’t get to I either cross out completely or make a note that I didn’t do it (if it is something that needs to be done i.e. an important phone call… I hate talking on the phone).

Under What I ate Today I like to try to keep a list of what I have consumed.  I don’t keep caloric score by any means but I do like to log what I am eating and how much I am (or am not) consuming of this or that.  I keep track of how many coffees and teas I take in because I do find that more then one coffee makes me anxious by evening.

What I did Today is where I do summarize my day but in short, quick, bullet form.  No long winded explanations needed.  For that I have my actual journal (currently sitting unused but available nonetheless).

In between these spreads I leave a blank spread for whatever other list I might feel the need to make.  Or in case I need more room for daily jot-downs.

I am finding Bullet Journaling to be somewhat of a therapeutic activity.  I can escape into my own little world of planning and brainstorming.  It is helping me to organize myself and my thoughts… and keep track of what the hec I am doing with my 2 google accounts … (still frustrated if you read my last post).  I want to get another one that fits in my purse so I can write out blogs or blog ideas when they come to me (instead of thinking oh I will do that AS SOON AS I GET HOME… inevitably forget and now I have a backlog of over 20 blogs I want to write – not a bad thing per say- overwhelming though).

I am still using the Erin Condren planner I bought almost a year ago, but, truth be told, I was actually using that as a bit of a bullet journal all along.  In fact, I have been bullet journaling most of my life and did not even realize it! As always I am late to the party but I am indeed here and enjoying it anyways.  Even on days when I don’t feel like doing anything I can at least feel like I am organized.  I can also look back at all the days and weeks that I did actually fulfil tasks and run errands and not only pat myself on the back but also reassure myself that I again, will be happy and busy.

So far (in the 2 or so weeks that I have been [actively] bullet journaling), I have been able to clear the “clutter in my head” and focus on what I really want, need, and desire out of life.  I have rekindled an old hobby (which is painting).  And I have come to the decision that I need to move.  Again.

This is not to say that I would not have some to these conclusions without the journaling, I am sure I would have gotten there… eventually.  I just feel that through making lists, planning days, brainstorming, and really just taking time to think, I am taking notice of things and I am realizing I want to change them.

Going Nowhere

My brain is tired.  I can’t focus.  I almost can’t even think.

I have been TRYING all day to streamline my 2 google accounts to one.  I have been trying to synchronize and change my contact email from my personal to a business account.  It is not going well.  But it could be worse.

I do not want 2 google accounts.  The first one I created way back when I had no idea what I was doing.  I had no concept or idea of branding really and now that I do I am so frustrated that I am unable to change some things and/or I do not understand how to or what I am even trying to do at times.

Ugh.  For now I think I am stuck working between 2 accounts.  I am afraid of having an “accident” and losing all my YouTube stuff.  I have thought about starting over.  I am still thinking of starting over but I don’t want to lose my screen name or come up with a new one.  Unless of course something clever just comes to me…. You never know.  Could happen.

Google is making me crazy.  All I want to do is change my main email address.  Why WHY must it be so hard.  All day.  I have spent ALL DAY working on this and I think I am done.  I may have even effed up my adsense account along the way.  Good grief. I need to stop thinking about this conundrum.

I feel like I am trying to get somewhere and I am getting nowhere.  I am going nowhere.  Except in circles.  I am going in circles.

Perhaps after I sleep on it I will be able to think with a clearer mind.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  I both dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.  I look forward to getting out of the house and having some me-time but I hate that I have to spend it talking about my problems and my younger-jaded-selves.  I hate that I have to worry about parking every time I am there.  City parking is a nightmare and costs an arm and a leg for a measly hour or 2.

My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

I hate the night before therapy days.  I always feel slightly all-over-the-place.  I want to go but I don’t want to go, I want to be finished, I want to be whole and happy and back to me again.  I had no idea it would take this long and I wonder if I will ever find me again.  Sometimes I feel like she is there and other times I feel like she is no longer me, and I am no longer her.  The days I can feel her are the better days.  The days that I feel as if I am no longer her are the days I feel the loneliest and the darkest.

I feel like a shell.

I feel like I am invisible.

I feel as though I might just take an adivan and go to bed.

Goodnight, always hoping for a good morning.

Trying eBay again … heaven help me…

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So.  Trying this eBay thing.  Again.

I have sold on eBay in the past and I have become discouraged.  People don’t seem to realize what they are buying [at times], and some will try to get something for nothing.

I like to sell new items I have purchased and don’t want but I also sell a lot of previously used, second hand or vintage items.  I keep my things very clean and organized, each item was either hoped-to-be-loved or previously-loved and cared for.  Some people seem to think that I am a factory of brand new “vintage” or “used” items”.  I am selling things, literally, from my closet.

I have had a lot of fantastic customers on both eBay and Etsy in the past but it’s the one or two true a-hole ones that really frosted my flakes the last time I did this.  One woman tried to get something for free and another complained about an odour from a VINTAGE 80’s Coach purse that cost her a whole $10.00 (minus shipping costs).  I paid 8x that amount when I first bought that bag on Etsy, it has always had a smell but its leather and age, not smoke as she so stated in the feedback area.  It was in excellent condition with no signs of misuse, stains, or even wear or tear.  I know you can’t please everyone but it literally made me cry when a review was left stating the purse smelled so bad that she could not even use it.  It’s a beautiful purse and [after shipping costs] I pretty much gave it away.

For some insane reason I am at it again.  Trying to sell some purses and clothes on eBay.  Heaven help me.  I want so desperately to downsize my stuff.  I simply have too much stuff.  I have entirely too many purses, most of which I do not use anymore.  I have lots of clothes I do not wear.  I have leftover handmade and vintage pieces from my Etsy shop I could throw up for auction.  So far I only have 3 items up for sale but it’s a start.  I am trying to be really careful so as to not screw myself in shipping.  I always undercharge because I want to give my customers a deal but I have learned that is not a good idea at all.  Now that I have shipped out various items to various parts of the world I know a lot better.  I also promise that if your shipping ends up being less than originally quoted that I will refund the difference immediately after shipping.  No one else does that (that I have seen).  Granted, it’s not often it happens but when it does I like to give back.

I am trying to save money to move (AGAIN) so I need all the help I can get and if I can lighten my load along the way that’s awesome.

I suppose my point in all of this is I’m back on eBay, I am excited but I am also very nervous.  It can be really fun but it also has the ability to make me break down in tears, frustration, and a hatred for online retail, or retail at all.  I am not asking for pity or for you to even shop on my eBay.

I am asking you to realize that when you buy off of Etsy or eBay or any other handmade/vintage/pre-owned site, you are [usually] buying from a person or a small company.  That person and/or small company has put a lot of thought and effort into their shop, taking photos, writing descriptions, and offering you something you like and want.  If you want brand-new out-of-the-factory quality then buy it brand new and out-of-the-factory.

A huge thank you to those of you who do shop smart and those of you that have been so wonderful that you make selling a pleasure.

For now, I wish you happy shopping.  Let’s hope eBay doesn’t make me cry…again… I will [try] to keep you posted (pun intended!).

Wish me luck and STaY GRooVY my friends!

 

Shop my eBay

To My Dearest Followers

I wish to sincerely thank each and every one of you for following my blog.  Every new follow makes my day and I appreciate it so very much more then you can ever know or that I can ever thank you for.  You inspire me in so many ways. I hope that this is the beginning of a long and lovely friendship.

I must apologize for my occasional slowness in answering comments, each and every one touches my heart and again, I must thank you all for your kindness and acceptance.  I must also apologize for my occasional absence.  Sometimes my depression and anxiety keeps me from doing what I love and allows me to constantly question and judge myself. Fear not, I will always be back [unless otherwise stated].

I have so many blog post ideas and plans that it almost overwhelms me at times but I genuinely look forward to creating more.  And I plan on creating more.  The more EMDR I complete the more unified I feel and it makes me want to pursue and create a life I love.

I hope you are all here for the ride and I look forward to everything the future holds for us.

I wish you all the best and most positive vibes!

Take care of yourselves and as always, STaY GRooVY!