Alone

*** Written in 2017 ***

I am not alone and yet I feel like I am so very alone.  I get lonely and that makes me sad.  Maybe it’s a “me-problem”.  Maybe it’s not.

I had a pretty good day.  I had the house to myself which I enjoy, and I had the morning off.  For once I used my time somewhat productively and wrote a blog or 2, made a few calls that I had been procrastinating and had myself a little pre-work bubble bath (mostly just because I needed to shave the bottom half of my legs…).  Either way, it was good.  Better then most mornings I have off.  Most mornings I have off I sleep until I can’t sleep anymore or I cry and feel frustrated.  At the end of the day I feel very alone.

I live with someone and 2 family members and 2 cats so physically, I am not alone.  But emotionally and mentally I feel lonely.  I want to talk to someone about my day,  how I am feeling, what I want to do on the weekend … but I can’t.  So instead I will vent to my computer, typing instead of talking.

It’s not yet 10pm and everyone is in bed.  Everyone works earlier then I do so I can’t hold that against them.  But still, where is my confidant when I need him? Lately it feels as though he is distant.  Again, not sure if this is a “me-problem” or not.  Maybe I require too much attention? Though when I think about it that doesn’t make a lick of sense.  I don’t get very much one to one attention these days so it’s not like I am asking for much.  I feel like we used to talk more, do more things together, we used to be “on the same page” about everything.  Now I feel like I am writing our book by myself.

Where is my support?  Where is my help?  Sometimes I just need a hug and someone to tell me I am okay, that I am doing okay, that I will be okay… but often times I find I have to hug myself and reassure myself that I am okay, I am doing okay and I will be okay.

Tonite I don’t feel so okay.  I am avoiding the dread in the back of my head and I am just hoping (maybe even praying) that I wake up and feel okay tomorrow morning.  Some nights I just lay awake and think about everything and nothing all at the same time.  I worry that I won’t sleep at all or that I will wake up feeling like I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  I feel like tomorrow [night] will just be the same as tonite and so on and so forth into the week.  I will be my comfort and support and confidant all week, by Friday night I am wiped.  Weekends have become a but drab.  I guess I can’t compete with certain things or people.  I feel deflated.  Like someone has taken the wind out of my sails.

I thought that when I got a job we could start to plan our future better, I thought that it would change something for us in the get-our-own-place department but either way we can’t get our own place for months yet.  So I suppose I am disappointed.  Not only in him but in myself.  I am disappointed in myself for again, being too nice, too helpful, too easy going.